Separation is indeed a painful experience for married couples; Now you and your estranged spouse are considering whether to continue the marriage or end it. If after much deliberation you think your marriage is worth saving, read on.
Here are 3 basic tips on how to avoid divorce after separation:
(1) Stop the blame game:
In order to avoid divorce with your estranged spouse, the first thing to do is to think deeply about yourself rather than keep arguing with your spouse. you two will probably still start fighting as soon as you meet; In fact, you know very well that the blame game is unnecessary and does nothing to solve relationship problems. If you can't stop the blame game, it will only widen the emotional chasm. No doubt, the blame game means that both parties are in trouble. And now that you are separated from your spouse, use this time to think deeply about your own problems.
(1-1) Reflect on yourself and acknowledge your mistakes/deficiencies:
The separation must be seen as a time of personal growth and deep reflection; Without deep reflection, you can hardly see some of your serious flaws, as well as your character flaws.
To help you practice self-reflection, ask yourself the following questions when you are calm and collected:
- "Did I speak to you in a way that could be perceived as humiliating or dishonoring?"
- "Did I give him/her my full attention when he/she spoke to me?", "Am I easily distracted during interactions with him/her that could make him/her feel unimportant in the relationship?"
- "When I was angry, did I lose my temper and attack him explosively, making him feel attacked?"
- "Did I treat strangers better than him/her?"
- “Did I joke about him/her a lot? Did he feel humiliated by it?"
- "When you were with him/her, were you overly sensitive or did you act irritable?"
- "Did he complain that I always acted like I was better than him?"
- "Did I keep bringing up the awkward past even though he/she apologized to you beforehand?"
- "Have I become a serious person who rarely laughs and brings fun to married life?"
- "Did I reveal private things about him/her that he/she might find disgusting and offensive?"
- "Did I respect your communication style?"
- "Am I a negative or annoying person to be around?"
- "Did you feel rejected or discredited because you didn't often confirm your opinion in conversations?"
- "Was I merciful when he/she messed things up?"
- "Did I give you enough support and encouragement when you were in trouble?"
…
Surely your spouse must also have some faults/deficiencies that annoy or resent you. But if your spouse points out his problems, if he still chooses to minimize the severity of your problems and get back at them by blaming them for your problems, you can't stop the blame game. In addition, you cannot force your spouse to drastically solve his problems. What you can do is reflect on yourself, recognize your mistakes/deficiencies and take responsibility for them.
(1-2) Next, let's talk about taking responsibility for your actions:
Taking responsibility for your actions is not only a way to heal the broken relationship, but also an important step in your maturity. And it's not too late to develop this habit. To help you out, here are two tips:
- Eliminate your excuses:
Excuses are an unhealthy form of avoidance behavior. The more you apologize to yourself, the less willing you are to take your responsibilities seriously. Therefore, regardless of the situation, you must acknowledge what really happened and what you did.
- Overcoming the victim mentality:
If you feel like a victim in this relationship, you tend to assume that you don't have to take responsibility for yourself just because you are a victim. If you see yourself as a pawn of fate in your married life, you will feel powerless, ineffective, and overwhelmed. And these feelings are reinforced by these passive, self-defeating thoughts (eg, "Why is my marriage so unhappy?" and "I treat him so well, why does he treat me so badly?").
To avoid divorce after separation, you must change your mentality from victim to survivor.
If you have no idea how to get rid of the victim mentality, here are some simple tips:
- Consider setting clear boundaries: You've probably had a hard time saying no to your spouse when they want to do something they don't like. But the more you tolerate doing things your spouse wants but you don't, the more you feel like a victim in the relationship.
- Find out what you really want in this relationship and don't waste time complaining about those unnecessary needs that aren't being met.
- Realizing that guilt, dissatisfaction, and complaining don't solve problems; Instead, focus on what you can do to change the situation.
- Be kinder to yourself and your spouse.
- Try to let go of the pain of your past experiences; move onthe broken marriageYou must learn to forgive. Forgiveness means letting go of painful feelings and thoughts; it's purely an internal act. Also, don't ignore the fact that at some point you will hurt your spouse emotionally as well.
- Remember the wonderful things your spouse has done for you in your married life; or think about your qualities that you always appreciate. Do not be guided only by your shortcomings/defects/mistakes.
- Don't give in to unhappiness; Instead, you should think more about all the happiness that marriage has already brought you.
(2) Take the initiative to reconnect with your spouse:
Reconnecting means increasing their desire to be with you and communicate with you. This certainly doesn't mean that you should convince your spouse to stay with you; Such a futile attempt is likely to result in rejection from him: the more you persuade him, the more he will withdraw. It would be like trying to convince someone who isn't in love with you to marry you.
To help you reconnect with your spouse, here are 2 helpful tips:
(2-1) Pay special attention to how you communicate:
The good news is that as long as your spouse allows you to communicate with you, you can still take the initiative to reconnect with him. And at this critical moment, when your spouse is very sensitive to what you say, you need to be very careful when communicating with him, as this can trigger repulsion or attraction on a subconscious level. Even sometimes a good message can backfire just because some words make him feel that you are needed.
You certainly have no control over your spouse; You only have control over how you approach it. So if you have minimal contact with your spouse other than your words, don't overlook that your tone of voice and body language are available ways to communicate with your spouse.
For more tips, check out the following posts:
How to have effective communication in marriage.
4 annoying habits that cause communication barriers in marriage.
(2-2) Listen without getting defensive:
More importantly, if you become overly defensive when hearing your spouse's controversial opinion, it may be difficult for you to maintain a stable emotional connection with your spouse.when marriage fails. Being defensive at this stage means not only that you have difficulty accepting the differences/conflicts between you and your spouse, but also high levels of relationship dissatisfaction. And if you continue to approach your relationship with a win/lose or right/wrong dialectic, your spouse is likely to assume that you have no intention of restoring the emotional connection. Once you get defensive and tell your spouse that you can no longer communicate with him, he will start to feel more irritable and distant. If the situation persists, the emotional connection will continue to diminish; ANDa severe lack of emotional connectioncan you spell itthe end of the relationship.
If you are listening to your spouse during a difficult conversation, the following tips can help you avoid becoming defensive and arguing:
- Always remember your respect for your spouse.
- Slow down and breathe.
- Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt: ask yourself if you are misinterpreting what your spouse is saying and taking it personally; Think about the emotional needs behind your spouse's judgment/complaint/criticism.
- Ask for reassurance: tell your spouse that you are not comfortable with what they are saying, ask them to say it again in a more clear and civil way.
- Hit the pause button: If you feel like you're having trouble concentrating on what he's saying, ask him to pause; Otherwise, you easily get defensive when you hear something awkward/controversial they say.
(3) Dealing with unresolved issues:
Intense conflicts are still likely to occur after months or years apart, the two of you are still finding it difficult to come to terms with some issues, and something important is still missing from your relationship. It's true that a marriage with unresolved issues can survive and even thrive as long as you don't break the agreement. But if the two of you are always unable to make substantial progress in resolving some crucial issues that caused seemingly irreconcilable conflicts,the relationship will narrowly converge towards divorce.
To be honest, certain conditions are necessary to resolve a seemingly irreconcilable conflict. In other words, faced with some stubborn problems, you can't jump straight to a solution, but you can try your best to defuse the intense conflict between the two of you. And if a couple forces themselves to find a permanent solution to a conflicting problem or a long unresolved problem during their separation, they are likely to fail; they will eventually consider divorce as the only option; Therefore, defusing the conflict is a viable way to avoid divorce after a separation.
In short, there is no way to avoid conflict in your marriage; the only question is how to deal with it; For more tips, check out the following posts:
How to calm conflicts in marriage: calm a heated argument.
Dealing with Marital Conflicts – Resolving Conflicts in the Marriage.
Memory:
during the attemptreconcile with your partner, don't move too fast; In particular, don't rush into troubleshooting before the recovery is complete.the emotional connection with your estranged spouse; If you resolve marital problems while the emotional bridge between the two of you is still fragile, the bridge will become even more fragile; this makes it more difficult to successfully repair the relationship. On the other hand, once you and your spouse fall in love again, solving various problems becomes much easier. Even sometimes, when love is restored, some initial issues that bothered both of them are no longer relevant.
The last word:
Since you broke up with your spouse, you need to learn to look at the current situation from an objective perspective: a break can be not only the beginning of the end, but also a new beginning for the marriage. There are probably still many things you can do to move your marriage in a healthy direction, even if your spouse isn't interested in working with you. So don't get frustrated now.
For more tips on how to win your spouse back and thrive after a breakup, you can watch the video below for complete guidance from Brad Browning, a marriage counselor with over 12 years of experience:
You may also be interested in the following related posts:
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How to get your wife back after parting: save the marriage.
How To Get Your Separated Husband Back - Avoid Divorce.
What to do when your spouse wants to leave you: Save your marriage.
How to fix a marriage after a fight Make up after a big fight.
What not to do if your husband wants to separate.
What to do when your marriage is in trouble - Save the Marriage.
Common factors that lead to divorce - Mistakes and problems in marriage.